Lost in Heartbreak: A Poetic Eulogy turned Paradoxical Love/Hate Letter
Updated: Jan 31
Burned ever so carefully and delicately with detail to give a dramatic look and feel and smell #Aesthetics
To Whom This May Concern,
Dear.....*Nicki Minaj voice* this bitch that is way too out of shape to be running her fucking mouth the way she does
Jesus! Holy shit...is what you're most likely thinking at this point but I promise that's the extent of the violence I'm choosing even though as you continue to read, you'll sympathize and probably respect me for not choosing more violence...Okay....now that that's out of my system, let's begin:
“The end of any relationship is always emotional. Regardless, the toss up of that versus one's emotional, spiritual, and/or physical well being - the fluidity of loss is always less damaging than the poisoning of personal captivity” - J. Sinkfield
"I prayed my words would reach you. I thought my mind could teach you. I hoped my magic healed you. But still, you torture the real you. I know that I confused you. We both know who just used who. So now, respecting you - I REFUSE TO. Which means loving you? I used to." - DIVAJ
~So now I have to leave you.
I want you to know that even in the end,
it wasn't because I stopped caring.
It was because you stopped being a friend.~
Or were you ever truly a friend? Or just a self loathing leech whispering sweetly, "save me". Thinking you could suck me dry, spit out the melanin...oppression...truth and just simply swallow the rest. Just to fill the hole in YOUR chest. Just to be seen by others' irises, impressed? You took and took and took but your body is not my body; My strength became your weight. Heavy with insecurity. You consumed and consumed and consumed but my mind is not your mind. My leadership ability became reference for your management of manipulation; Micro and un-inspiringly mediocre. You fed and fed and fed but my spirit is not your spirit; My charismatic charm became your seasonal costume. Appropriated without advocacy and lined with a silver badge of certified performative allyhood.
~ take out the picture, blow off the dust
Throw away the frame, it's starting to rust
Remember the times we had together
What happened to being the #Family
When you look at a mirror or your screen...what do you see? Me? You? Or some defiled version of the two? SCREAMING "You're not good enough, you have to be him....I mean them. You have to be better than them!" - do you make eye contact with the hideous beast that tortures the little lost girl? She has all the answers, etched into keys of your happiness. Your success. Your joy.
You have one new memory.
I struggle to recall all the catch phrases and lingo I put you onto....but I bet you remember though.
You have one new memory.
I'll never forget the first fight, or the first time your action(s) resulted in me questioning what kind of friend you were. I mean, even then I was the one that initially communicated, mediated, facilitated, and organized the conflict resolution journey. Strike one.
Mandy Moore's "A Walk To Remember" doesn't have shit on Thompson Park hills or closing rings by the river or our version of becoming one with nature, which, little did I know would result in strike three...but let's stay in order.
You taught me what it looks like to not respect oneself. I thank Goddess everyday that my black card has no limit. I should've filed bankruptcy considering all the charges against me for NOT slapping you every time, "it slipped" following the N-word that would fall oh so carelessly and inconsiderately from of your thin white lips. Strike two...point one. Two point two. Two point three. Two point four. And two point five.
Strike three: The FUCKING camping trip.
I still don't understand why all that shit happened. All the evidence points to you not caring about my feelings or just being curious as to what would happen. Either way..
*re-reads entire iMessage thread from July 2021-September 2021*
....either way I felt disregarded and ultimately disrespected by you and all involved. Even if that wasn't your intent, my hurt feelings were the result of your action(s) or more appropriately, inaction(s). Apologizing to me for my feelings is not the same as apologizing to me for your action(s) or inaction(s) and how they affected my feelings. If you had even a fraction of my emotional intelligence, this could have been resolved before it even happened let alone shortly after. For months I effectively communicated my feelings, boundaries, and needs but you ignored them and pretended to hear, as most white people do when interacting with their black co-stars. It wasn't until the cold snap of a raw and enraged voice message, that your caucasity finally heard. Heard the opportunity to play victim in a sticky situation that was covered in your social fingerprints.
A month later, after I had camped alone - the most authentic way a person can become one with nature, I might add - you revealed yourself just to secure a seat at my birthday table and provide a "look at me" finger twiddle cameo on my snapchat that day, the whole time just analyzing the interactions of my loved ones, in hopes of understanding why you think my joy could...or maybe even should be yours. I must admit, my goddess complex reached a new level. In that moment, I was Jesus, and you Judas. A thought I quickly discarded.
~Some people don't catch on,
they would rather just pretend
things are going smooth or say "it's fine",
then smile and call you "friend".
Funny how you never know
who cares until it hurts,
when it's over, does it really matter
as to who blew who off first?~
I'll end with this. Go stream "Hit N Run". Listen closely. My music will forever be the only way you'll have access to me, moving forward. I *laughs* sincerely do hope *still giggling* you find happiness and love and peace within yourself. I swear.
~ But when all is said and done,
YOU made your choice of WHO TO BE in the end.
You never really lose a part of yourself,
until you lose your best friend.~ (5 Feb)